And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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