Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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