Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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