I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
