GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
