I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
