I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
