not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
