the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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