i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
