My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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