mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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