He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
