I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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