Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
