I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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