i need an iv and a liver transplant
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm getting married
To pizza
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
