i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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