i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
