I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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