i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
