That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I love you. Go after that dick
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
