hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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