Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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