I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
