I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The Olympian is in my bed
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