he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
