How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're a waste of cheezeits
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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