His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
