I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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