My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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