Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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