Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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