I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
