i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
