Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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