She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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