This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
