i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
