theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
