im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
