I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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