I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
