I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
