we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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