Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
time to smoke my breakfast
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
