Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
