If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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