Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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