i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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