Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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