Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
