Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
