Who did Billy Mays play for?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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