thus making me awesome and them whores
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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