Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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