you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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